Tuesday, September 26, 2006

3 Nephites

Three Nephite Identities Revealed

PROVO, UT--The current earthly identities of three apostles mentioned in the Book of Mormon, commonly known as the Three Nephites, will soon be revealed, The Sugar Beet has learned. After three decades of research, a team of theomusicologists discovered that the legendary Nephites are in fact the seminal musical group the Bee Gees. After protracted negotiations, the Nephite musicians have decided to go public.

"We finally decided it was time to reveal ourselves," Maurice Gibb told The Sugar Beet. "We knew there was a chance people would find out anyway, when the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack went double platinum. Personally, I'm glad to put aside the hoax about my death and the name Maurice altogether. I'm really Mathonihah, brother of Mathoni. Barry's Mathoni, by the way."

"I'm a little surprised that no one picked up on it earlier," Kumenonhi (a.k.a. Robin Gibb) told our reporter. "We put enough clues in our songs. I mean, that repeated chorus where we just kept saying 'Staying alive, staying alive?' What did you think we were talking about? 'Tragedy' is obviously about the fall of the Nephite civilization. And 'How Deep Is Your Love'? Did no one get that we were talking about the atonement?"

Apparently, the lyrics were only part of the puzzle that researchers Steve Rucker and Alan Kendall put together. "What really cinched it for us was our audiographic work," said Rucker. "Most human voices are incapable of reaching more than 8,000 cycles per second, or hertz. But the Bee Gees' voices top out at over 15,000 hertz. Only terrestrial beings are capable of making such sounds."

Rucker and Kendall say that the real mystery is why, after two thousand years, the Three Nephites would choose to publicly reveal themselves now. But Mathonihah told us that it's really no mystery. "We just got tired, that's all. Helping stranded motorists, rescuing lost children--it wears you down after awhile. The life of a pop star had some real appeal." Kumenonhi agreed, adding, "Besides, we're not like most big acts. Artists want their work to last. And we really can go on forever."


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